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The Wasteland of TV "Info"mercials. - The shadow of a broken man...
October 17th, 2006
12:44 am

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The Wasteland of TV "Info"mercials.
Most of you may know that I'm really not a big TV guy. I enjoy a few shows, but I don't have cable TV and out side of the additional sports programming that it offers, I am perfectly happy with out it.

Anyway, I'm having one of those nights where I have a lot on my mind and can't really sleep. This early, there isn't much on, aside from Infomercials.

Which brings me to my point: Infomercials are amusing, amazing, and awesome for so many reasons.

They all seem to follow this really silly pattern of trying to look like a legitimate television program. "Welcome to Health Update," proclaims the announcer at the beginning of this extended advertisement, as though his being a part of this some how makes it more valid.

"We have an exciting show planned for today," the very serious host says, while wearing a suit that Johnny Carson would be proud of and not seeming very excited about this exciting show we've been promised.

He continues, "Joining me is MDR founder Pat Riley," as though the world is suppose to know who this loser is, and right on cue, they explain.

As the screen shows pictures of magazines (that don't really look like they have anything in common), the host continues, "You've all seen MDR in millions of magazines."

...Oh really?
I have?
Wow! I never knew that. Clearly I must know of this guy since I'm looking at a whole bunch of magazines right now.

"You've heard him on radio programs all across America!"

Wow, this Pat Riley guy must be a real big shot, being in millions of magazines and on radio programs all across America. I never knew! I'd better listen to what he says!

Out comes a man with a balding head, a beard and glasses, and you notice these things in that order. He talks for a while, spewing non-facts as though they were gospal. He could tell you that eating jars full of Mayonnaise is a healthy way to lose weight and sound like he really believed it.

I don't think the people that write these things give the audience much credit. I should take a page from them and go around telling people that they have obviously heard of me, since I've been in millions of magazines and been on radio shows all across America, after all. I would even show them pictures of a bunch of magazines like the infomercial did.

Of course, what infomercial would be complete with out "consumer" testimonials?

-"I had a tough time with my ____. It was always acting up, and it just wasn't like it use to be, then I tried _____ and suddenly, it was better then it ever was!"

-"I use to hate having to deal with ______, but thanks to my new ____, it's a breeze!"

-"I had tried everything for my ______, and was about to give up until I saw the TV ad for ____. I decided to give it a try, and I couldn't be happier with it!"

It doesn't really matter what the product is. You could even put the words "anus" and "Bob's Butt Plugs" into the above scenarios and it would work with this formula.
(Now, that would be an entertaining infomercial.)

There are a few of these paid programs I actually do enjoy watching. I always like the Time Life music ones. Those I sit through. However, I don't ever need to see another add for the "Showtime Rotisserie Grill!"

I can't imagine my self ever even beginning to contemplate purchasing one of the wacky items usually for sale in these infomercials. That said, someone must be buying this junk, otherwise we wouldn't seem them nearly as often as we do.

So rock on Infomercials. I salute you with as much disgust as I can muster at 4:30 AM!

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Current Music: Sugarloaf - Green Eyed Lady

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